A Place to Belong

We lived in Bali nearly four months. Four sunkissed, life-altering months. It felt like a small lifetime.

We were back in Indonesia but things were different this time. Me and M were travelling together, but only as friends and co-parents. It was strange in ways I can’t easily explain, but it was so sweet to be back in the place that has felt like a home to me since before I ever visited.

We spent our first days by a black sand beach. I was in the ocean, smiling into the bright sun and bursting through powerful waves to laugh on the other side. All I could see was the sky and the sea and I felt an immense appreciation swell inside me, as though I was experiencing the world for both the first and last time.

I said things aloud only the ocean could hear. Secrets and sorrows that had been weighing me down. On the shore I rubbed black sand over my skin until it was silk. We sat in cafes, me writing in my journal and Alba drawing in hers, with sand still on our feet. Nothing felt broken.

I got a bicycle even though I’ve been clumsy since before I can remember. When I was younger I’d ride my bike to school and crash into electricity poles, gutters and trees on the way. So I gave up and I’d just walk for over an hour in the heat instead. But still, my legs always wore bruises and grazes. My friends all found my clumsiness funny so I kind of embraced it. It became one of my many quirks.

But by this trip I was realising more and more that who I was was up to me. By telling myself I was clumsy I wasn’t giving myself the opportunity to not be, so I let those thoughts go.

I was riding through little Balinese villages on my bicycle, down narrow paths winding through bright green rice fields and flying down streets under a sun shower, waving at the children watching in wonder. I was riding the same chaotic roads I was so frightened of before. I had a few near stumbles, but I rode until my legs hurt and I knew I’d only get better. When we stopped for a juice M told me how proud he was of me and I smiled because I was proud of me too.

Then when I got to Ubud I rented a scooter. I can’t say how momentous this was for me. There was a moment when I was flying through town and I felt like I was going to burst with pride. I hardly recognised myself. I didn’t have to be hopeless, I didn’t have to be dependent on anyone else. I could do this. I could be enough.

I was living in a little villa with my best friend, Kelsey. It was homely and opened up completely to the fields and rice terraces beyond. Our backyard was a living postcard. I had Alba until lunchtime every day and we’d spend it dancing, painting and swimming. I’d buy boxes of organic produce grown on the mountains to cook us lunch. I’d talk to her about all kinds of things and she’d listen intently, blue eyes shining, taking it all in.

Her Papa would pick her up and I’d ride my scooter into town. My workspace was a kind of bamboo treehouse. There was a raw cafe there where I could feed my chocolate addiction. I was surrounded by other creative nomads and found flow from the moment I stepped in.

It felt so good to be there. I got more work done than ever before and the seeds of projects were planted and watered. I’d head to dinner with friends after. Ubud was health food heaven but I always prefered the smaller places run by local families who became my friends.

There is an indescribable sweetness to crawling into bed beside my sleeping girl, cradling her in my arms, still so small and soft. It brings tears to my eyes the same way it did when she was new. The soles of her feet are rough now, her hair has grown, her body is long, her knees wear grazes from falls. But she is still my baby.

One night Kelsey and I sat on the balcony of a bar, drinking and speaking for hours about how grateful we were. To have one another, to do what we love for a living, to be able to travel, to be young and healthy, to be alive, for all the love and joy we’ve ever felt, for the struggles that helped us grow and the potential of our future. For everything. It felt like one of the greatest nights of all, like the future had never burned so brightly before us.

Kate came to stay with us. She was a beautiful, fearless German girl. I’d let slip a worry I had about what other’s might think and she’d bluntly ask me, “Why does it matter Nirrimi?” And she’d be right, I was the only one making what other people thought matter. She was always asking, “Why not?” and she always had a point.

I made a lot of powerful connections this trip. I skinny dipped with Sarah Britton, caught a boat to an island with Elora Hardy and her father John Hardy and found a sister in Belle Gibson. World changers. It’s strange to be me sometimes. I feel so small but I count my idols among my friends.

We drove to Balangal Beach in Uluwatu, where a perfect sunset was playing out above the ocean. My view was crystal clear, crashing sea and bright blue sky turning fiery above an unbroken horizon. The shore was lined with shacks selling fresh coconuts and Indonesian food. The wind hugged me so softly.

We sat on the shore drinking coconuts. There was a big rock jutting out from the edge of the water where a girl was standing. She was listening to music and dancing as the waves crashed all around her, as though nothing else in the world existed.

I had a skype call the next day with my agent in LA. Disney wanted me to write and direct a short film for them. I ended the call in disbelief. Right away I began to write. I wrote until my hand cramped. Ideas spilling over several pages, refined over several days by the sea. Then I had it. The outline of my film. A little piece of my soul. But a while later the job fell through as they do sometimes and I never got to share it.

I was a little heartbroken but grateful I had gotten to feel that passion again, to know it could still have so much power over me. I knew before long I would be creating again.

Then my passport went missing and I spent long days in lines at the immigration office and the embassy, often with Alba. I didn’t get an emergency passport back in time to extend my visa. More lines, more authorities and more confusion. No one really knew what to do with me. I carried my stress and anxiety alone through those weeks.

There are times I feel desperate to be rescued, like some princess at the top of a tall tower, but I know that I need to save myself. Being alone, as frightening and confronting as it sometimes is, is exactly what I need. The most challenging times in life hold the potential for the most growth and if I can fight those fire-breathing dragons on my own I will be stronger for it.

On the last visit I was pulled into a room and told angrily that I was here illegally and I had to leave the country now. I was forced to book tickets but the payment wasn’t going through. I was shaking. I signed papers saying I would leave the next day and they reluctantly let me go. I hugged my friend in tears, grateful I was not as alone as I felt.

My last night in Bali was spent with M in a cosy place on the side of a hill, where you could see the ocean from the balcony. We let any bad feelings between us just fall away and life was sweet. We played with Alba as she squealed in delight. As I watched her sleeping I said to M “Thank you for Alba.” And he thanked me back.

Later I was in the passport office in Perth with Claire as we made up stories to pass the time. In our stories we went to Hogwarts and there were these two very handsome, talented wizards who liked us. We ran away with them on our broomsticks to a magical treehouse in the Amazonian forest where they cooked us foraged breakfasts and confessed their love for us. I noticed a businessman watching and realised how strange it must seem, two grown ups giggling and playing pretend, but what did it matter?

As a surprise I came home a day earlier. I wanted to take M and Alba out to breakfast, but when I saw him he told me he was busy. Something wasn’t right. A wall had been built in my absence. I had a weird feeling, but I kept pushing it away.

A few days later I’d put Alba to sleep in the villa I shared with friends and I walked a few steps away, to the villa where other friends were staying. I wanted to talk to M but when I knocked on his bedroom door he wasn’t in, so I thought I’d ask my friend Jess if she knew where he was.

All of my memories past this point feel as though they caught flames. When I entered Jess’ bedroom they were laying in bed together. Suddenly things began to make sense. Although I had no desire to be with M (our break up was for the best) and I’d wanted him to find love, a feeling swelled up in me that was made of fire. I lost my self-control and smashed a lamp against the wall. I was yelling. I’d never felt so out of control.

Memories of us raced through my mind. Being fourteen and telling my Mother I’d found my soulmate. Meeting him in person for the first time at sixteen and being higher than high on love. Our first tiny apartment in the city. Travelling the world shooting big campaigns. Our cabin in the Blue Mountains. Him speaking softly to our child growing in my belly. Holding Alba in our arms, both of us raw with love.

Every selfless thing he did for me, every poem he wrote me, the way our bodies had fit, the way we had thought our love was invincible, the times we had said with such conviction we could never love another. Seven years in love, five years as one. All of it suddenly felt meaningless.

I lay under the outdoor shower sobbing while cold water rushed over me. I was wearing a long sleeved white lace dress and my hair was braided into a crown. For a moment something ridiculous flickered through the haze of suffering and I thought that this would be a great scene in a film. I almost laughed at myself.

I felt like my friends couldn’t understand my pain. After all, I’d had feelings for other boys and I had even said that Jess would be a good match for M. It seemed so hypocritical for me to be upset. I tried to explain how intense we had been when we were together. How immense our love and lives together were and how it all felt like nothing now. How it felt like a betrayal. But it was all just words. Still, my friends gave me all the love they could, I could cry just remembering how they much they cared about me.

Deep down I knew it was a good thing. I could see why they’d fallen in love. My emotion had overwhelmed my logic that night, but I was happy for M, and thankful it was Jess. I loved both of them.That didn’t mean it was easy, but at least my logic was prevailing.

Our tickets were booked at different times because of our visas and a shoot I had yet to do. So I hugged my girl and kissed her all over, telling her I’d see her in a few days. I hugged M too.

A bunch of people from my workspace invited me on a trip to Amed on the other side of the island. I went on the back of my friend Sevi’s motorcycle. Sevi was from Spain and I named him the King of Metaphors. He always came up with the most brilliant metaphors for things that were difficult to explain, in spite of his language barrier, or perhaps because of it.

It was an unbelievably beautiful ride. I listened to music as we passed some of the most spectacular landscapes I’d ever seen. I watched in quiet awe, thoughts throbbing with appreciation, knowing I could never truly take in how much beauty was before me. Amed was sweet. Little rooms by the beach, days snorkelling and nights on the sand staring at the stars.

When we got back I was housesitting my friend’s villa in Canggu. I took Rose with me. It was the most wonderful place we’d stayed so far. We were both shouting to each other in glee, “Isn’t this wonderful? Can you believe this place? We’re so lucky!” I put on music and we stripped off and swam in the pool until the sun went down and the lights of the villa shone on our bare skins.

The last days of any trip always carry a poignancy with them. I could smell every scent in the air, hear every little sound and see the things I’d normally overlook. My last sunset was the most breathtaking of them all. I was on Echo Beach and the sky was dripping with colour. I looked at my friends. They were strangers a few months ago and now I will never forget them, even if it’s decades before our paths cross again.

That’s the beautiful thing about connecting with other people, you’re opening doors that will likely stay open no matter how much time has passed. In this way I kind of see every stranger as a door waiting to be opened. Stories and perspectives just waiting to be unlocked, laughter and love waiting to be shared.

I came back to Australia the same way I always do, changed. My daughter was back in my arms and the unknown of the future loomed before me like some great scary monster. So I looked it in the eyes and I said “I can do this.”

90 love notes

  1. I came back to re-read this because the same thing happened to me, my ex boyfriend and best friend have gotten together. I have no feelings for him but I was so overwhelmed by anger and hurt. It’s reassuring to see that I’m not the only one who has had this reaction, as irrational as it seems to other people. Thank you always for sharing your soul with strangers.

  2. It s a while I follow you on instagram, because of some magic in your pics, then I’m here reading your stories and the magic is even more.
    I like the way you let your feelings flow in words and images, of joy or sorrow.
    If you ever think why to do that, a little reason is because, someone, like me, is waiting to share your soul.
    Keep going and love life in little things 🙂

  3. This made me cry. It also made me run to my husband, and hold him a little tighter. We have two children and a third on the way and love so deeply. I cried when I read your post because I could picture myself in your shoes. How could the man I love, who has been through everything with me, ever love another? I’m thankful he doesn’t and never will. But I felt so sad for you. I am glad that you say you are happy and it’s for the best. But I still can’t help but not like M. I see photos of his new partner on IG and it makes me feel sick and I don’t even know him or you or your relationship. I just felt so connected to you through your writing. But I love seeing your photos and how happy you look and you’re chaisng after your dreams! I also got happy when I think you have found new love? Noel?ci hope you are happy!

  4. Dear you,
    Love your way to write your feelings, travels and thoughts! Like a wonderful fairytale but real.
    The pictures are great as well.

    Some words I crossed lately said: ” I’m the hero of this story, I don’t need to be saved” I guess all of us need to be “saved” sometimes but we also we have a strength inside that we don’t even imagine.

    It is difficult for me to understand how somebody who is so sensible at what other people think can be so open and friendly. Good for you!

    Thank you for sharing

  5. You’re by far my favourite blogger of all time. I’ve followed you since 2010, your photography, the way you talk sincerily about your life, the way you open to us (in such a beatufiul way) it’s something to admire. Your old photos from NY and adventures, and the people you met in the way, everything about your photos is wonderful, you inspire me a lot. Your travels, the billabong campain, the Diesel one, everything, and now Disney! You’re a very lucky girl. The breakup with M made me sad, I couldn’t believe it. Hope you both cand find your way to happines, togheter or not. (sorry for my bad english, im from Buenos Aires)
    Lots of love Nirrimi

  6. Hej,

    I’m a German girl and stumbled over your website years ago some time after you’d given birth to Alba. It was such a wonderful and touching report that I visited your site regularly.Also because I also planned a home birth. But time flew by and I forgot the address (as my pc broke down) and now, after 1,5 years or so I found it again. How wonderful! And the newest comment of you brought me to tears. I hope this finds you well in your new situation – I’m convinced you’ll manage!!

    All the best

  7. Nirrimi! I’ve been a fan for awhile. You are amazing and I have lots of respect for you. I’m 17 but when I get older I hope to live a life similar to yours. I’ve lived in Penang, Malaysia for my whole life. I think you’d like it. It’s a larger island and the water isn’t the cleanest but the food is great. It’s really cultural too haha. Anyways if you happen to be nearby Id love to meet up!

  8. Nitrite! I’ve been a fan for awhile. You are amazing and I have lots of respect for you. I’m 17 but when I get older I hope to live a life similar to yours. I’ve lived in Penang, Malaysia for my whole life. I think you’d like it. It’s a larger island and the water isn’t the cleanest but the food is great. It’s really cultural too haha. Anyways if you happen to be nearby Id love to meet up!

  9. I would love to see this Disney project you were working on, even though it came out like this. Maybe in the future? I’m sure it would be amazing.
    I send you all my love and care for you to keep as brave and strong. Life is just an illusion, a beautiful illusion for those who know the secret to live it peacefully.
    Love from Barcelona 😉 :*

  10. hello,I’m a student from china.I saw your website on the Baidu post bar,a famous social networking site.I’m a Photography enthusiasts and I love your photos so much. I’m attracted by your photos. They show the beauty of human nature. I have become your fans since I looked at your photos.
    Today is the first day of 2015.I wish always happy.

    your little fans

  11. Your breakup with M made me a little sad, strangely, but I find the way you’ve been dealing with it all very mature. (Being a social-worker) I see so many people who suck at dealing with their own and other people’s feelings, it’s saddening to see what they do to themselves and to others.
    So I guess all I’m trying to say here, is that I respect you very much for being so obvious about it all. It is what it is, whether you like it or not, and you respond to that very well. +5 kudos for you, lady!
    Greetings and all the best for this new year to come,
    From Sarah – The Netherlands

  12. Hey, you.
    This little space, your photos, your words and the way you live your life… That inspires me.
    Stay strong. Stay beautiful.
    You’re in the right path, whatever it is. 🙂
    Kisses from Brazil.

  13. Hi,

    I’m not sure why but today I just felt compelled to send you a little note….
    Somehow I stumbled onto your “little slice of heaven” which is what I call your sharing space. The day I found it I was feeling overwhelmed, worried, sad even and your words and photographs changed that and brought a smile to my face. Thank you!
    I too have a little dove who brings so much joy to my life. I have spent so much time just in awe of her memorizing and just breathing in the beauty of her counting each day a true blessing that somehow I am deserving of such a precious gift!
    I must admit I worry constantly about being able to care for her and her needs. But then I came across your beautiful photographs and writings about your adventures for these brief moments my worries melt away. As silly as it might sound I imagine my little O and I taking these types of adventures visiting far away beautiful places, meeting extraordinary people and watching her grow and learn about this amazing world from each new place! I read your words out loud sometimes and show her the photographs I love to watch her squeal with delight and touch the screen, clapping her hands especially when she sees your daughter in them. I know I will probably never be able to take her as we are fortunate enough at the moment to have a roof over are heads and this wasn’t always so. But watching her light up has brought hope. Has given me new rays of sunshine each time we come visit your world and adventures so Thank You again because to me it is so much more than you realize. Love, T & O

  14. I really love the post. Your kind to write is just stunning. You seem to be so old,wise, but you are just like 5 years older than me. I like your point of view. You pick out some small,normal situations and transform them into something big, something beautiful, something meanful. And thats what life about (in my opinion) to make the little things big. To make the meanless meanful. You do not underrate or overrate things and thats what I love. You just say how it is. Love from Germany, hope I will meet you when I come to Australia in 2016 , just to talk.

  15. Hey there! This post couldn’t be written any better!
    Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate!

    He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this post to him.
    Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for

    my weblog Cannabis Stocks

  16. I was sobbing by the end of this post. You are a gem, Nirrimi. I’m so glad that I met you while I was in Ubud. I was that little girl who asked for a picture. That was probably one of the happiest moments of my life.

    I wish you an amazing 2015. All the love.


  17. I was in tears by the end of this post.
    I too, have always felt things so deeply that it’s simply impossible to convey to someone else- but at the same time laugh at myself, as my sense of logical always kicks in so strong.
    I always want to reach out a hug you Nirrimi.
    As always thank you for sharing, for being a source of light and boundless love.

    I hope your heart is healing and swelling once again.
    I hope our paths one day cross.

  18. So beautiful. I think yours is the only blog where I’m always sad when the text ends, I love your writing (sometimes even more than your pictures)

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  20. i was like reading a novel, that sad part makes me cry. thank god i was home alone. you are such inspiration, nirrimi. your words are so innocent and beautiful. i can feel your pain and your happiness. you are a great young mother. i wish you all the best and be strong.. one day.. you know.. this prince charming will come.. 🙂
    you are strong beautiful lil mama 🙂 keep writing diary is very good.. and crying.. it helps.
    you are lovely, you changed life of lots of people in a good way, i know that. love you, nirrimi. thank you for the pictures, the words that you shared with us! much love from germany 🙂

    ps: broken heart is always painful, but it makes us stronger. smile now 🙂
    and oh,. i was dissapointed knowing that you broke up with m, but.. what shall i do.

  21. you speak from my heart! I had a similar situation to yours just this past weekend and it broke my heart and I was overwhelmed with so many feelings I didn’t want to feel.

  22. Your words are striking and your photos are breathtaking. I love it all. It is a true gift to be able to feel as deeply as you do.

  23. Dear Nirrimi, I love your writing. I felt so emotional when reading your words, thank you for sharing your feelings in such a beautiful and spontaneous way. And thank you for your photos, it makes me want to travel and discover the world even more.

  24. 皆さん、目がくぎ付けになって。相当なインパクトで、「自分たちの国にはそんなのない」と。

    The majority in our audience is within Asia, particularly South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore and
    China. 2次画像 ろぐ幕府 Next you
    must place the events in context before occurring to what actually happened.

  25. This makes me sad. Yet in a way it’s beautiful because it’s an expression of life. Raw human emotion and experience. It’s sad what happened to you, but the best part of the entire thing was you all along. The relationship had a beautiful atmosphere to it but that was because you created it. And you will do so with everything you do in your life. I thought before that it was both of you, together. In a way it was. I was even sad when I heard you broke up. But I’m realizing your mind is more beautiful than I thought and it was you who made it all beautiful. And you will cast that light onto the life of your daughter and she will be beautiful, too. You are young and everyday you are learning, growing, maturing and evolving. All of the mistakes you’ve made, or uncontrollable expressions of emotion are shared by most. And that is part of being human. You are going to be more than okay. Thank you for this blog. It’s a beautiful portrait of human existence on Earth.

  26. dear nirrimi. thank you for sharing both your happiness and your painful moments. you inspire me, and you remind me that life consists of both, that it’s supposed to be like that, really. I am grateful for both your writing and your photos. I wish you all the best. kind thoughts and a hug from a law student far north.

  27. Absolutely stunning in every way. I love the subtle tone of nostalgia- even if it adds a sad ring to your writing, it’s so real and honest. Thank you for your beautiful writing.

  28. Dear Nirrimi,
    Have you written a book? I would love to read it. Your writing and your photographs are breathtaking, every time.
    Thank you for sharing.

  29. Hi Nirrimi, I always write you i don’t know if you ever read me 🙂
    But i will keep sending you all of my support! This post took a twist I was not expecting and once again i thank you for being so generous to share your thoughts with us. Keep strong and wonderful things will keep happening to you. You are truly and inspiration for when i feel lost and tonight I go to bed thinking “I can do this” Lots og love.

  30. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart with us. I can’t describe how much inspiration I get from your stories and photos. It gives me hope for the future and strength to live bravely, and I’m learning to see all the beauty in life I was overlooking before.
    I wish you and Alba all the best!

  31. Someone once told me that real happiness can’t exist without real suffering, because everything has to be balanced. Knowing this I always find some comfort in my pain. Maybe this “box full of darkness” that M gave to you, can be a gift too..?
    PS. You’re whole story sounds like it could be a film, and I’d love to see it!

  32. Nirrini, I’m delighted and sad for you. But, what doesn’t break you makes you stronger right? I hope who can find a good relationship with M for Alba’s sake. I’m sure the future holds so many surprises for you. You’re inspired and talented, your pics are amazing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Love and care Cristina

  33. You know, it doesn’t matter to me really where I am in my life, whether that be emotionally, spiritually, physically or mentally, I would still truthfully be angry if the love of my life was with anyone else on an intimate level, of course together, but also even apart. I wouldn’t be able to handle it very well, and probably do a lot worse then throw a lamp against a wall. I guess that’s what’s wrong with my emotions, is that even at the age I am now, I really don’t have complete control over them. I wish I did, it’s part of being imperfect I suppose. It’s hard having a child and then seeing someone who was once wholly yours make you feel like they’ve completely disregarded what you had. That validation slips away, and you don’t feel like any of it was worth anything. Good for you for having an emotional control over your thoughts, because they can be your worst enemy or your best friend.

  34. Nirrimi, sometimes I wonder if you have any perspective of how your art and feelings affects other people around the world. I’d only wish you known how much your open heart writing helps me… I truly feel you as someone close to me, as a friend, as someone who understands me and I understand you as well. Thank you for sharing your love, your life, your thoughts. You couldn’t imagine how embraced I felt reading this one; seemed like the perfect story for the moment. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hope you are having the best moments and hope you’ll share them here in the future. I sent you an e-mail, guess 2 months ago, if you could read it…
    Sending you lots of love, Aurea.

  35. The photos go so well with your words. You are incredible human being, Nirrimi.
    I long for days like the ones you’ve lived in Bali. Maybe one day, who knows, I’d find myself surrounded by incredible humans like you, living and creating, with the same love, beautiful energy and thoughtfulness I experience every time I read your words and see your photos.
    Much, much, much love

  36. First off- you are amazing!! I love your free spirit and how you get to travel and see and do- it thrills me just to know that there are people like you, who are adventuring and loving and free. Thank you for your honesty and sharing this, it was a little heart wrenching yet in the purest, most beautiful ways.


  37. everytime i read your blog, i imagined i was standing there beside you, walking with you and watching you. i feel as if i was there with you!

    hugs nirrimi
    from singapore with love and light

  38. It’s 1:40am here in England and I have been reading your blog posts for a couple of hours now. I am new to your blog but have followed you on instagram for a little while now, intrigued by you and your wonderful ways. Once I started reading I was captivated by your beautiful writing and even more beautiful soul. I wish for the world to be filled with people like you and I hope that some of those people will find their way into my life. I feel quite silly for saying that but reading your blog makes me feel unafraid to speak my true feelings. Lots of love from England x

  39. I read your blog entry. and then i read through all of the comments and one thing stuck out: no one blamed you or M for what happened (as you’d often see on any other article where one would talk about a breakup). This just proves that your account is so enthralling – as readers we can only take it all in, and feel emotion, relate to your stories and feel inspired. We don’t judge, we feel like we were on this ride as well.

    Never stop being a free spirti. Never stop writing about it.

  40. Nirrimi,
    Your words are beautifully written, raw and generous. Thank you for showing everyone that it is okay to be sensitive and so incredibly aware of the world around us, whether we have the ability to control it or not. I am a little younger than you, studying photography with the dream of photojournalism in mind and you constantly provide me with inspiration. Thank you 🙂

  41. Dear, you’re so brave… Probably it’s one of the hardest things in the world, losing someone, at the same time having a child together… I can feel you, as I’m going through this right now… Millions of questions, doubting, falling, to finally rise, with hope and peace in the heart… Peace is the answer.

  42. this post is ridiculously amazing…….i truly love it. your words exude so much inspiration and thought. your pictures are the epitome of beauty, even more so, your words. this entire space you host for the rest of us to read is always so refreshing, no matter the subject matter. xx

  43. This struck such a chord and I have a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. I’m still trying to resolve a love that ended far longer ago and was far less worthwhile than yours, and even though I have a new, worthy love in my life, that pit still grew in my stomach. Thank you for sharing and for reminding me that I have to face this eventually or I will never be able to let go and be free with the one that I love now.

  44. I’ve just fallen in love with your writing and especially with your photography, again! Your words are so touching! And your pics amazing! xoxo Anita

  45. Each article I seep in and savor with such appreciation. I thank you for sharing with us the beauty along with the shadows that make us human in this life. Your generosity and spirit pour over into own lives and nourish us deeply, support and uplift us in powerful ways that only such vulnerability and authenticity can.

  46. I read your blogpost over breakfast this morning and it’ll probably be the best thing that I have today. I’m not sure why, but it was like I had foresight or something as I read each paragraph with bated breath for what was about to come. I wasn’t quite expecting that, even though I have been following your work and life (not so much out of curiousity as an inspiration) for years already. I haven’t loved and lost as intensely as you have, but I definitely understand how it feels and it tore me up inside reading what you wrote. However, if I may offer these few words of mine, it wasn’t all for nothing. I know perfectly how it can feel that way, but as you probably know too, life has a way of surprising and one day you may see that it had happened for a reason.

    In the meantime, thank you again for sharing, and also again, I send loads of love and strength your way <3

    Ps. Do share more of your writings and photographs!! 🙂

  47. You really are a storyteller. I could have kept reading if there was more. Thank you for putting so much of yourself out into the world like this. It can’t be an easy task at times to do. Such a wonderful post 🙂 <3

  48. Your line: “That didn’t mean it was easy” broke my heart; this incident paralleled in my life, early this year, and it’s taken me so many months to come to terms with the hurt, crosscut with love. It’s that old prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you for your post. x

  49. Thanks for sharing this post! I burst into tears and I realized how wonderful life really is. You have an awesome talent, your words let me see all the things in my own head and it almost feels as if I did all these things by myself. Thank you nirrimi, thank you very much!

  50. This is so heartbreakingly beautiful. It reminds me so much of when I found out my ex had a new girlfriend he was going to marry… I was so torn between loving him and mourning the 9 years we had together, an intense, real love that started as teenagers and grew into adulthood. It took a long time for me to feel through that and know I will be okay, better than okay, and to let it all go. You write with such grace and poignance… thank you for sharing your journey xxx

  51. I have met you once at your Mum’s so you won’t remember me..I am Mels mum…
    I got tears in my eyes reading this..
    You are such a beautiful girl with a soul too match..
    So much like your Mum..
    You will go far in life with your talent and touch many people..
    Thoughts Sandy.x

  52. I just have to pin this. I’m just so much afraid that there’ll come a time when I feel like I need to read this again and I won’t be able to find it – the www is such a huge space with thousands of crevices so it’s very likely this would happen. I just feel like there’s so much wisdom and cognition in this post – it kinda overwhelms me, really. I know it kinda sounds ridiculous but I’m forever thankful that I happend to stumble over your blog a few years ago. It’s a pity I can’t call you my friend. We would so click. 😉 Well, just…thank you *blush* :-*

  53. I cry almost every time I read one of your posts. Sometimes because I can feel the sorrow you write about, other times because I understand your happiness. I cry because I feel everything you write about so strongly. You write beautifully, please never stop sharing your life.

  54. Live you so much nirrimi,

    Your heart, like mine, is so raw and open, and its always so powerful to read and see your words in both written and image form. Your so strong, so powerful and such a magical part of this crazy world. Xxx

  55. beautiful, nirrimi. We are all stronger than we ever imagined we are. If there’s one universal thing I can say about heartbreak is that we become stronger because of it and one of the most exhilarating, freeing feelings that comes from it is knowing we can go it alone, we are strong with infinite possibilities, and life goes on for the better. In fact, doing it alone makes you better and stronger, wiser too. You are a great person nirrimi, I wish you the best.

  56. such beautiful, radiant realizations from your beautiful soul. May the Path get brighter and clearer as you go, with deep joy and peace in the unfolding of Love and Truth. Continual love & prayers from my heart

  57. I felt i could feel your every emotion and pain..and i think you are the definition of a free spirit. the way you express yourself with such rawness of the soul, no holding back…just the plain untouched truths…untouched feelings and emotion…that takes a certain purity to open up like that in your public writing. very very strong girl you are Nirrimi, you may not know it yet. but you are……xoxo

  58. Dear Nirrimi,
    Isn’t every connection powerful? Why distinguish and mentioning some people with first and last name, while the others only by first name? There is no difference between a German girl named Kate or between a man called John Hardy, both can be world changers, regardless if well-known or not.

  59. My heart, soul and mind applaud you for sharing this absolutely beautiful post, Nirrimi. Your writing here feels like a tangible thing, it made me experience such deep emotions. You are brave for exposing something so vulnerable and raw, yet through all that you manage to give strength to others. Thank you for being you!

    P.S. I am a firm believer that your writing should always go hand in hand with your photos. Your brilliance and talent shines through both.

  60. I love the fact so much that you’re a giggling adult, like I’ve never had one in my life and its sort of beautiful that there are people like that though. Alba is so beautiful, you are so beautiful, your writing is beautiful, your pictures are, and the honesty and perspicacity of your art and creations are too. It is incredible.

  61. There is so much beauty in sadness and sadness in beauty. Your words are so mesmerizing and heart-wrenching. There is so much beauty dwelling inside of your heart. Thank you for sharing, Nirrimi!!

  62. It‘s incredible how at the same time you appear (and are able to write) so raw and at the other end reflect so well on overwhelming incidents & moments – I always find myself torn between either the first or the second (which then leads all too often to deleting every last bit of that overflowing emotion from my stories). Love & strength to you, and maybe, maybe our paths will cross someday (I sincerely hope so!).

  63. Thanks so much for sharing this story Nirrimi and for these beautiful pictures. Heartbreak is never easy and I feel like we never have as much control over our emotions as we would like – but I guess the only thing we can do is to keep creating and living. (You are an incredibly brave soul)

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