California Sun

I write this in many places. In my head as I’m walking the palm-lined streets of LA. In our garden in a notebook filled with Alba’s scribbles. Late at night in M’s parents’ home in Perth while everyone sleeps. By the pool in a Balinese villa, thunder and rain hanging in the air. It feels like a collage of mismatched paragraphs. Something has been holding me back. I have a feeling this will be my last entry like this.

In a hazy way I understand the influence my blog has and how many read it, but it all feels too unreal. Now and then someone recognises me on the street and the reality shakes me. My most personal thoughts have been tattooed on stranger’s bodies and it’s not unusual to introduce myself to someone new and realise they already know my life story. But despite it all I feel completely ordinary, because in everyday life I really am.

Once upon a time being well-known was what I wanted. But now, apart from the ability to make positive change and connections, I wish I wasn’t. My family are too exposed and it’s unsettling, the poison of negativity leaks into reality and I know I need to step back for them.

But that power I have to bring good into the world is too important to give up. How lucky and grateful I feel, I want to help others and I have this way to reach so many! I can’t even comprehend how blessed I am to have you all. So although I’ve decided not to document our lives so intimately after this, I will keep giving what I can.

LA welcomes us back with open arms, but it doesn’t feel quite the same as our last trip. When our family is together life seems easy. It’s us three in symbiosis. Life flows. But here it is just Alba and I and life feels tipped off balance.

It isn’t a bad thing, even the loneliness and frustration are blessings in disguise. When I’m content lessons don’t hit me this hard or sink this deep, the highs don’t knock me off my feet. I needed this.

Zelda has her birthday party at a mansion in Beverley Hills. I wear an incredible swimsuit she bought me a few days earlier and a long dark dress that kisses my feet. I think I might look as though I belong among all the movie starlets. Like I am another version of me for a few hours.

There are colourful Macaws on stands all around the yard and Alba is mesmerised. The pool and the lawn are full of people. Jojo comes up behind me and hugs me and I remember when I was young and listened to her CD over and over on the long walks to school. I talk to boys whose characters I had crushes on in TV shows and I see Zelda walking around glowing like the sun.

It’s another world. A world I never thought I’d be immersed in. And now that I am here I see that we are all just human beings. We all feel joy and pain and imperfection. There is no need for envy, we all have our own bliss and own battles. None of us really have it all together.

When we walk inside a lady sweeps me and Alba away to visit a cat named Snowy. She leads us through a series of rooms until we come to an extravagant bathroom. Purring gently is a fat cat, soft as a cloud but kept immaculately groomed. A cat right out of a dream. Alba feeds Snowy while the lady coos and pats Alba’s hair and life feels totally bizarre.

One night we all play laser tag. Alba and I run around hand-in-hand in the darkness, shooting and hiding and shouting with glee. Another night we play mini golf and everyone is in fits of laughter because Alba is taking the balls and putting them in the holes herself. It feels so good as a Mama to see the joy Alba brings to others, especially here where people need the optimism and purity of a child.

We’re all family in this Hollywood palace. In the mornings Zelda is writing scripts, I’m answering emails and Alba is playing with Alfy the dog at our feet. At lunchtime Josh comes home to spend time with us, Alba squealing as he lifts her into the air and tells her how much he missed her. When Brooke gets home from work in the afternoon she brings green juices for Alba and I from the juice bar where she works. Some evenings Mark is cooking dinner for Steph and I hang out in the kitchen talking with them. The routine is nice.

It’s not easy being both a Mama to a toddler and an artist. Sometimes I can feel my potential bursting within my chest with nowhere to go. I quieten my passion while I focus on my girl, but I never let it die. Now I realise the preciousness of time and how fleeting life really is and soon nothing will stop me. I quietly make plans.

My friend Landon throws a dinner party at his home in Beverly Hills. The food was delicious, Alba is fast asleep and there is a bonfire dancing on the lawn. But I am not really here, I am in the past and the future. I am overthinking and my mind is loud with thought and worry. I look outside the windows to the fire and the pool beckoning and I tell myself: Stop living in your head and start living in the world.

It is 1am but I slip quietly outside and out of my dress. When I dive into the pool I expect the sharp stinging cold of the lake, but the water is heated. It hugs me as I swim at the bottom. I remember being 8 and believing I was a mermaid and the bliss of naivety floods back to me. I feel the insignificance of all my worries. I embrace all I really have, the present.

After a long time I break the surface. There is too much pollution to really see the stars but I am happy to watch the moon, to know it is the same moon I have always known. Inside the house someone sees me and smiles. I know I am loved here. The heat of the fire spreads all over my body when I dry, prickling my skin.

All of the joy is interspersed with moments of hardness. Though I sleep beside Alba I still feel alone when night comes. Not having M around and having no breaks (but for her short naps) takes its toll on me. I took for granted just how much he takes care of us.

I may not have the patience of two, or the strength to throw her in the air over and over like her Papa does but I give her all the love I have and then more, so I can make up for his absence. The hards nights melt into peaceful mornings of kisses and cuddles in bed, Alba and I talking softly about the things we’ll do that day. Sometimes I look at her and love floods me, like it is all I am.

Back in Australia my half-brother takes his last breath. Once Alba is asleep I curl up under the bed and try not to feel. I have never felt so distant from my family. Guilt creeps up and I know I will never see him again. I am lost here. My Father’s heart breaks on the other side of the world, he has outlived two of his children now. I won’t let myself imagine losing Alba.

After a long day Zelda throws a games night. Her friends come over and we play running charades and cards against humanity. Alba is busy playing with friends so I slip into a bedroom with my headphones and iPod. I listen to “Bravado” by Lorde with the volume up and I dance with the lights off and no space for thoughts in my head. The feeling is sensational. I feel like I am flying through space. It doesn’t matter that I’m a terrible dancer or that I mess up the lyrics as I sing, I am free.

I decide I want to be able to dance that freely in public. I want to stop analysing myself through other’s eyes and start being free to be myself. I want to say yes to more experiences and not be afraid. I want to choose good thoughts to play in my mind. I want to stop the negative thoughts about my body and accept I am healthy and beautiful and happy to be alive. I want to see the world like I did when I was a child, full of wonder and magic. It’s still the same world after all, it’s just my perception that has changed.

So this trip I write these things down and more to read every day. It’s difficult and I know it will take a long time to shed my fear, but it begins to work. I tell myself I’ll never get to be twenty years old again. I skip down streets and share cheerful hellos to strangers, I listen with an open heart and I sing aloud to the songs playing in my head. Alba and I sit near a patch of flowers by the sidewalk for a while just watching the insects that live there, no need to be anywhere but there. I just be the person I want to be, and it was that simple all along. Simple, but not effortless.

Usually goodbyes are easy because I’ve grown used to them but this time I am struggling not to cry. My vulnerability on this trip left me open and I connected more fully to everyone I met here. Nick drives me to the airport, I watch Zelda and Brooke wave as we pull away and I say silent goodbyes to familiar places as we pass. Nick kisses Alba for a long time when it is time to go and I know she has touched his heart.

Alba sleeps against me on the flight and I am happy to hold her in my arms. She is beautiful beyond anything I could have ever imagined and I watch her face closely, knowing it will change. It already has.

When I was younger I thought having a child would be constant magic. I wondered how I’d ever be able to take my eyes off someone I’d created, how I’d treasure every sound they made and spend all day long playing with them. At times it does feel just as I’d imagined, but mostly parenthood doesn’t feel magical. I am guilty of being impatient and distracted. We all adjust to things, good and bad.

So I take time, whenever I remember, to be conscious of how wonderfully mind-blowing it all really is. Not just Mamahood but life too. Life may have taken over 4 billions years of evolution to design us and here we are on a planet floating in the Milky Way, surrounded by billions of stars and other galaxies. And this is it, the very moment I type these words, the very moment you read them, this is us being alive. The thing more precious and mysterious than anything else, so fleeting it is only a flash in the lifetime of the universe.

I had a funny feeling flying over Brisbane before we landed, looking down on the rivers like trickles of water and cars like beetles, humans only grains of sand and their little box homes. I had a sense of just how small we really are. Then we were home again and everything breathed peace.

115 love notes

  1. Nirrimi, hello! I have been following you for a very long time. Before “following” someone was an actual thing. You inspired me on deviant art you were probably 15 at the time. Your prose rang through my soul. I could never come up with the words for how I felt but your words resonated with me. You are growing up to be such an amazing woman. I know there’s an off chance you will actually see this comment but I wish to tell you that I have been and will always send love and positivity your way. Never stop sharing your beauty with the world.
    Love always.

  2. I feel as small as you describe in thinking of universe. sometimes the awareness is so strong that I can’t sleep. Love your photos and thoughts

    from Italy

  3. Hi. Thank you. I tripped upon your blog years ago after googling young woman wishes to be a mother. I felt normal after reading it. Not anxious anymore about my early desire to be a mother. I’m twenty one now. And not yet one. Time and again I trip upon your blog and get inspired.
    THANK YOU.

  4. To “jen” did you notice any of the other gorgeous photos? The beautiful writing? The pure joy of exploring the world and all the wonderful people and places in it? Or just the naked child? Maybe you are the one with the problem. The one who is “bad” This blog obviously isn’t for you. Go find another blog and spread your negativity elsewhere.

  5. So you should its disgusting how you parade your child naked all over the place haven’t you ever heard of pedaphiles, seriously your a bad mother.

  6. I love to read what you write Nirrimi, there are no others to describe it, your words inspire. I’m so glad to have been apart of your journey, the glimpses of life and adventure that you have shared are beautiful. There’s not a need for fancy filled words.
    Thank you and I wish you and your little family a lifetime of love, beauty and happiness.
    Much love a girl on the cusp of shattered, rose-coloured glasses.

  7. It’s been pleasurable escapism to read your thoughts. I have that feeling when you reach the last page of a book you loved and feel sad to lose the protagonist forever, but of course you are both author and heroine and have your own private life to lead. I am grateful for what you have shared of yourself.

  8. I love your beautiful blog and SO appreciate everything you’ve shared. Your realness is what keeps me coming back. Posts like this will be very much missed.

  9. Oh wow, you express yourself so clearly – through both your written words and your photography. I was so sorry to read about your brother and heart-broken to learn that your father has lost two children. My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope that after some time has passed that you will continue to share your blog. You’ve touched and inspired more people than you could possibly ever know.

  10. Was so sad to read that you felt you needed to take a break from documenting your family. Your pics are some of the most touching and raw I have ever seen—-they capture the way motherhood feels, smells, tastes, and looks. It’s truly a gift. Hopefully you can still share some of it with the world.

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  12. such wonderful pictures. your work always inspires me! I’ve just started a blog, maybe anyone could take a look? by no means a professional, just the hobby diary of a fourteen year old girl haha 🙂

  13. I’ve been reading for almost two years as well, and the beauty of both your photographs and your soul which you have so generously shared have inspired and blessed me. Now as I wait for the birth of my own daughter, I hope that, a photographer myself, I can manage to find the little moments of magic that you find.

  14. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, with me. It’s hard to explain why, but what I just read really helped me. You’re so right, we’re all just human beings.
    Thank you so much for this..

  15. I just wanted to write a comment thanking you for sharing your life and photos on this blog. I’ve been reading it for about a year and half now, and it has really helped me with my own transition to motherhood (I have a 13 month old), which has been a shock a times. I’m 11 years older than you and even though I feel a lot more sure of myself than I did when I was 20 (not that you aren’t sure of yourself, but for me and a lot of people I know things, existentially/emotionally/logistically etc, generally got much easier and better as we got older) having a baby is just the craziest and hardest though sometimes best thing ever. Seeing your absolutely gorgeous pics of your life has really helped me by reminding me that even when life feels overwhelming and like a whirlwind, I can try to slow down and frame what I’m seeing as something beautiful, even for an instant. I’m not great about taking many pictures, but viewing my everyday life this way has been so helpful. There have been days when I’m totally beat and uninspired and I look at your blog, with its little moments of your baby, your family, your life, and see that there are lots of moments like that is my life too, even though I don’t/don’t know how to document them. So Thank you thank you thank you. And don’t feel bad about backing off from public life – take care of yourself and protect your soul and your family. Wishing you well always, A PS I am always willing to happily and confidentially accept ranting emails about motherhood 🙂

  16. Dearest Nirrimi.

    you’ve made me believe in ever lasting love and jumping into the wild.

    Now, i’m an adult myself too, a year younger than you. Since i first read your blog I 1. have became vegan/vegetarian 2. have found my first love with whom i now live 3. have realised that there are other ways than sitting in a class room, passive and desperate to spend ones life 4. plan to travel the world, starting next fall, with my love. (there are a punch of other things as well, but i bet you’de get bored if i wrote all of them)

    you’ve also made me learn a better english (i come from finland – it’s in the northern europe). and, one of the most important things, You have made me believe that my body is beautiful and i don’t need – i don’t even want – to look like a supermodel. you’ve made me celebrate real life, green food, raw souls, dreams, nature and beautiful art.

    What makes me less happy, is that I sometimes see people commenting here that they want your life. i see they’re full of jealousy and black thoughts. I wish they could read you more as a source of inspiration and exemple. Perhaps, if you wish to stop sharing things about you’re personal life, you could continue writing in a more general way? neverthless, your thoughts are worth publishing and being read. Because they can change thing. they can change someone else as they changed me – no, directed me, i prefer.

    Before i finish, i want you to know that it (almost) brakes my heart (i’m stronger thant that!) if you think negativelly of your body. in my eyes, you are a supermodel and so much more.

    Love from the land of snow.

  17. I have to agree with Katharina. Your words are like no one elses. I’ve never read any other blog or magazine or whatever where someone has a similar writing. They touch my heart every time and in a world full of irony and sarcasm for me you are the Nelson Mandela of bloggers. You are so peaceful. Well I don’t know you but at least your words are. And Alba is such a cute girl. She looks so open-minded and smart even if she is that young. Furthermore I don’t have to tell you that your pictures are amazing because you know that. Nirrimi, I wish you and your family all the best! Stay the way you are and spend an amazing time with all your loved ones! Lots of love. Tatjana from http://missfuckingfashion.blogspot.de/

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  19. I’will by missing you, photos your family. I now you almost 2 years, you are me inspiration. I feel like I miss a frends.I will come back to Road is home. Bless you. for love – Kate form Poland

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  21. You are amazing Nirrimi. You are just three years older than me and you have inspired me in ways I could never imagine. But I understand exposing your family to the internet is hard. I just wanted to say you are a pure soul and you deserve to see your dreams come true. I adore your family and your photographs. Hope you have a wonderful 2014, you are beautiful 🙂

  22. I know where you’re coming from. I used to recieve inspiring messages from my old blog then I tried to create a new one to channel innermost feeling but it changed, I was not able to write often and the joy I get from? I lost it. So now I try to write even a single sentence. You’re an inspiration, Nirrimi.

  23. I always was the kind of person thinking words could change the world because words had the biggest possibility to express something. That was my point of view. Your words were the ones making me discovering your work. Someone likes your “lovesick writing” on facebook and I hadn’t read something so well-known to me myself for a long time. I fell in love with your writing but then I came to know your art work as well. I’ve never followed blogs in any way until the moment I saw “theroadishome”. Your words, your photos, the histories you tell out of your life: That’s great work! It seems that the whole world here calls you inspiring and beautiful and so many positive things more. But for its reasons! The blog post “Another summer at Lake Tahoe” touched me that much that I got goose pimples. Just looking at sweet little Alba in who I recognise my dear lovely nephew in so many ways feels as such a great thing. If you really want to give up telling your personal storys here, it’s a pitty, but it’s your decision. I want to thank you for sharing your work and life to us because you are one of those persons who can give strength and positive energy, even to someone feeling really upset.
    Thank you, Nirrimi, thank you so much. Thousand kisses, a big smile and many warm hugs to you and your family from Germany. Be blessed, you deserve all the best.

  24. I always was the kind of person thinking words could change the world because words had the biggest possibility to express something. That was my point of view. Your words were the ones making me discovering your work. Someone likes your “lovesick writing” on facebook and I hadn’t read something so well-known to me myself for a long time. I fell in love with your writing but then I came to know your art work as well. I’ve never followed blogs in any way until the moment I saw “theroadishome”. Your words, your photos, the histories you tell out of your life: That’s great work! It seems that the whole world here calls you inspiring and beautiful and so many positive things more. But for its reasons! The blog post “Another summer at Lake Tahoe” touched me that much that I got goose pimples. Just looking at sweet little Alba in who I recognise my dear lovely nephew in so many ways feels as such a great thing. If you really want to give up telling your personal storys here, it’s a pitty, but it’s your decision. I want to thank you for sharing your work and life to us because you are one of those persons who can give strength and positive energy, even to someone feeling really upset.
    Thank you, Nirrimi, thank you so much. Thousand kisses, a big smile and many warm hugs to you and your family. Be blessed, you deserve all the best.

  25. you are so wonderfully inspiring. i understand you wanting to stay private, that’s how i felt after having my first child. best wishes on all your wonderful adventures in life!

  26. I’ll miss these stories! I’ve always loved how open and honest you are when you write about your life. It’s brave. I love all the health-foodie ideas I learn from you as well. And of course, beautiful photographs! Your blog is like watching a nostalgic film that centers on that open and carefree feeling you have as a kid — when sunlight is constant and colors are vibrant and time is endless. I’ve always felt your work embodied that idea perfectly. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    xx

  27. You are a star. Go do what you have to do, as you owe it to no one but yourself. Glad I caught a glimpse of your vision. Thank you for sharing. Some of your images are easily the best things I have ever seen.
    Blessings to you and yours.

  28. I love the love you show for your daughter through your photographs, I would love to have photos like these of my babes 🙂

  29. Dear Nirrimi,

    I dont know you,
    but you give me the feeling of knowing you
    and belive me, it´s a good feeling.

    I´ve nothing to do with writting blogs,
    so I cant imagine how it might be,
    beeing known.

    Dont loose yourself (for a while it´s quit ok)
    for expactations or other negative
    things, stay positiv as you seem to be.

    I send a lot of good feelings to you,
    blessed Nirrimi.

    And sorry for my bad englisch, i´m
    a bit younger and german!

  30. You have been a great inspiration for living and loving life. Always look forward to your beautiful work – your photographs and writing. They never fail to make me shed a tear and put a smile across my face whenever I see your beautiful Alba. Please continue writing. Much love x

  31. i always look forward to your beautiful writing paired with beautiful photos. i think one day when i have my own children i will feel exactly the same, or close. i enjoy blogging and being personal now, but things change when you have children. and it’s not all magic, there are times we all need to just be in a room, alone, dancing with headphones on. but when the times are magic, they make up for any negativity in the world. i hope you write again.

  32. It’s been almost a year since I’ve first found your blog and I’ve got to say it has been a life changing experience ever since. I’m inspired to take great photos like you since then & I hope you’ll continue to inspire all we readers with your really talented and artistic shots which often brings out so much depth! (: Don’t ever stop!

  33. Inte mycket inspirerar som dina bilder. Jag tokälskar att bara scrolla ner och upp och njuta! Tack för att du delar med dig på detta fantastiska, personliga och äkta sätt!

  34. I am so sad to hear about the negativity towards your blog, because ultimately your blog is you and your family and can understand that you would want to be protective. I find it so hard to believe that anyone would wish you anything but happiness!

    I started reading your blog a year ago and you have been one of the biggest influences to pursue my dream of one day becoming a photographer. (Not to say that I will ever be anywhere as talented as you are! :D)

    Your words are so beautiful and pure, and you are one of the few artists in the abyss of the internet that make me FEEL something. I can’t describe it properly with words, but your photographs make my heart skip a beat. If your photographs will be the only thing you give from now on (which is sad, but understandable) perhaps that is enough. Your pictures tell a beautiful, powerful story.

    Also I’m sorry for your loss Nirrimi.

    Thank you again for sharing everything with the world – you have changed my life for the better.

    A fan always,
    Jennifer

  35. Thank you for sharing all you have. The beautiful way you see the world inspires many, but you have to take care of your own heart too.

  36. Ne t’arrêtes jamais d’écrire..
    Your life, your thoughts are so beautiful.
    Every time it’s a pleasure to reading you.
    You gotta make it your own way like a river into the ocean..

    Ludivine from France

  37. It makes me really sad/angry if the negativity of a few has succeeded in stopping you from writing in the way that comes naturally to you. People who snark on other people’s blogs… who the hell are they? They’re not out there creating meaningful work and sharing it with the world, that’s for sure, or they’d have more respect (and less time for sitting on their keyboards obsessing and bitching about you). Of course it’s entirely your prerogative to share less about your personal life and family, but please, don’t let the poisoned well of negativity that is GOMI be the thing to silence you (or filter out all the personality and joy and meaning from your writing, for fear of someone responding badly to it). You inspire so many people in a way that no-one else on the internet does.

  38. I really love your blog. I’m sorry, I’ll probably write something wrong, I’m not so good with english, but I will try. I met your blog one year ago and since then I started to see the world different. Your beautiful photos and words changed something in me. I know it can looks a little crazy, but is the reality. reading your writes makes me want to be a better person. And it’s always a gift to read your words. Hope that you don’t stop, but wish you take the best decision.
    Rebecca from Brazil.

  39. Whenever I’m feeling artists block or just unhappy or frustrated with life, I read your blog, every post from beginning to end and it inspires me again. Please never stop writing <3

  40. I love your blog so much, and I can’t tell you how many times I read your birth story while I was pregnant and anxious, and how your words and your beautiful pictures always calmed me. I understand the need for privacy, having blogged some myself and having strangers come up to me knowing so much about me when I know nothing about them. I too have stopped sharing myself and my family so openly. But I will be sad to lose your story. Your blog is such a treasure. So genuine, and lovely. I will miss it.

  41. I love your photographs and stories. I’ve been waiting for new your post and finally I got it. This post makes me inspired again. and think wish if I was take a pictures like you. and I have a question that is wondering which one do you using about camera and lens. I guess lens is 5omm 1.2f although I’m not sure. hope I get it! thank you again for good pictures.
    Woody from South Korea

  42. I feel for your loss. I understand the pain of loosing a person of great meaning in your life. While I know exposing your life on a blog can make you think twice I hope that you don’t stop. I love your words and photography. They mean so much to me. I enjoy the love I see in your work and it causes me to want to keep stepping up so others can see the love in the moment as well.

    Happy New Year Love,
    Korin
    http://urbanjunglefashion.wordpress.com

  43. My initial reaction is to say please never, ever stop writing these kind of posts – they are so incredibly beautiful and inspiring – but I can imagine how unsettling it must feel to be so widely known by so many strangers! I just hope you know how much joy your words bring to so many people. You have a gift for describing things and thinking about things in a way that is mesmerizing. I hope the love and admiration of your readers can help you see past any internet negativity you may come across (seriously? You have haters? How?!) <3

  44. Long time, no see. But here I am again reading your beautiful words with many different emotions, joy, sorrow, strangeness. You seems like a very amazing person, and so does your Alba. I want to thank you for your openess, gratityd for your honesty. I love to read your new posts and will be coming back again and again. Take care, happy new year <3

  45. For some reason I have never commented on any of your blog posts although I have followed your blog for years! It’s so lovely to see you blossom and grow, and although I don’t know what it must feel like to have people know you I can imagine it is quite scary and strange!
    I hope that you feel better about it all and know that your blog posts are beautiful and I love it when you post something new! Also have a very happy new year!!

  46. Bravo ma belle fille.
    Keep writing. Keep seeing the world as you imagined it when you were just a little mermaid. And most of all, keep reminding yourself of the present moment whenever you can. Be it when playing or dancing or loving. Life happens outside our brains while we quietly plan the next steps. It really is about balance. And breathing. And realising that we are all extraordinarily human.
    Je pense à toi et ta petite famille d’amour.
    Andrée from Montréal.

  47. I’m one year shy of being twice your age, and I can tell you that being mindful of your life is always ongoing. It’s wonderful that you are thinking, now at 20, of what you want from your life and how you desire to live it. And when it comes to parenthood, it’s so very true that it’s both mundane and magical all deliciously tangled up. Happy 2014!

  48. Nirrimi, you’re an amazing artist and you have become my biggest inspiration. I hope I’ll be able to continue seeing your work in the future.

    Go with your gut feeling och whats make you happy!
    xx My

  49. Nirrimi, I think this is really the right thing for you. i never realized all the venom and negativity being directed towards you and Matt until very very recently and was so shocked and saddened. You have a beautiful family and seem to be a beautiful person and it seems to me you are doing your best at life, and I think you should protect and guard what you have from the many vultures out there looking to judge you. Your work is beautiful and I’ve really enjoyed every post. Have a great 2014 little Firebrace family.

  50. I’m selfishly sad about your decision not to share so much, but I understand and respect your decision. I’m lucky to have found your blog and photographs. I’m a photographer too, but I’m only known within an hour from my location 🙂 I think I prefer it. I couldn’t imagine someone knowing me on the streets. I can only imagine how different it must feel.

    xo- Liv

  51. Dear Nirrimi, this is the perfect ending for your life posts, we have been charmed by the beauty you see through your eyes even when your posts were deep and nostalgic. Despite the fact that i was hooked to your blog like one is hooked to a tv show (every month waiting for a new post about your trips, thoughts and little alba’s progress, I read with a coffee to start the day dreamy and with a little bit of magic) I respect that you want to keep your private life to yourself. Thank you for the beautiful posts you have shared with us, i am 23 and admire very much how strong you are and sometimes find myself thinking “if she can, I can” You have inspired me without you even knowing, in my work, in my personal life and you have helped me to shape my dreams. Since the beggining i’ve been an admirer of your photography and I will continue being so please never stop sharing your work. Looking forward to that workshop you are working on. I wish you and your little family all the best. X

  52. I’ve been following you from your days in deviantart… to the beginnings of your blog… to when you changed it and now, to a different kind of change. It saddens me to know I will no longer be able to read such posts, although I know it is selfish of me. So I will wish you well instead. Because you deserve it. It is the least I can do for all that you have been for me. Thank you for being a beacon of light, your thoughts and writings have been a beautiful haven amidst the dizzying cacophony that is the internet. Your view and way of life has influenced my own and heck, even your plant based diet has inspired me. I admire your courage and beautiful, open soul. Truly, a gypsy child of the earth. The world is much brighter with you and your family. So cheers to you, Nirrimi. To all that you were, are, and will be. Thank you. All my love x

  53. I’ve been following your blog for such a long time now and you truly inspire me. In the beginning your posts were not as personal as they are now but that did not make me be inspired less. You once wrote that you wanted this blog to be more personal but of course that makes you more vulnerable as well. I could not imagine sharing my most intimate thoughts on such a platform and I can understand why it is so hard for you. And you shouldn’t feel like you have to do it in order to inspire other people. Just following your instagram is inspiration enough. I’m so grateful for having little glimpses into your life. But no one is allowed to ask for glimpses into your head, so if you do not feel comfortable with doing so you should stop doing it. I will be inspired by you no matter what you do. Because in the end, what always inspired me most about you, is that you do whatever you want. It may be hard and it may seem impossible but you do what you have to do in order to pursuit your dreams. Just trust your instincts and listen to your inner voice.
    I’m so thankful for what you do beyond belief and I always will be.
    Lots of love to your family <3

  54. Lovely post as always, profound and thought provoking. I’m sorry for your struggles, I’m not a young mama but recognise myself in your thoughts and that’s the beauty of your writing – you’re able to connect with everyone regardless of location or age. Thank you for sharing and I wish you and your family peaceful adventure for 2014 x

  55. I’m going to miss posts like these, but I also respect your decision. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and words with us!! Every time I read your posts I feel teary and inspired. I hope and pray the next year is filled with lots of love and happiness and laughter for you and your family.

    Love, Daisy xx

  56. I fell in love with your work about a year ago, when my favourite young Kiwi photographer, Tamlyn Rose, cited you as a major influence during an interview. I was raised by a gypsy but as I have grown up I ended up living in a city, going to university (for no reason other than that it was what I was told to do at high school), and now work in an office building for 8.5 hours every weekday. I am only 22 but feel ancient and am often congested with an overwhelming sense of un-accomplishment. Your words and images are my reminder to be positive and hold on to the wanderlust my Ma raised me to have. The details of your personal life are irrelevant, it is your outlook which draws people to you 🙂

  57. I too, have been so blessed by your words, your family, your life. I think it’s that so few people can put down on “paper” what so many of us feel. To read your words connects us all as human beings – knowing each other more – seeing the world differently. It’s a blessing to go beyond our own heads & feel the heart of others. It grows us, and hopefully grows you too. Much love.

  58. Nirrimi, I am a young mama too and your thoughts about mamahood sound just so real..:) It’s really great that you make Alba see so many places and meet so many different people… We travel a lot with our baby, too, and I think that’s what makes him so open and cheerful…
    And about your blog entries… Some internet people have lost the bonds of reality, but you should know that for many, as for me, you’re a great inspiration… So even if it won’t be so personal any more, don’t stop sharing your beautiful work with the world! Kisses from Poland!

  59. thank you so much for sharing your amazing and human soul… you’re indeed a brave and inspiring girl… I think I’ve told you so many times… thank you so much for your deepness and awareness of human life! lots of love and blessings!

  60. I know your blog maybe since one year and I have never dared to leave a comment because I know that a lot of people tell you everytime that you are so inspiring and I didn’t want to be another stranger who tell you how you are a wondeful person, maybe it’s boring because a lot of people think that you have a perfect life.. I know your life is not perfect, but for me, you are the kind of person I admire, you are pure, natural, you are a gipsy girl, I know I don’t know you but it’s the image you share to me, to everybody I think. I am very admiring your life, your personal photography (I take photography for fun and for my memories and I try to take natural and beautiful photos, I try that my photos have a soul, my camera is like a third hand) i am admiring your lovely family and your travels. Anyway I don’t want to sound like a crazy fan, so I’ll stop this paragraph now.
    Maybe you’ll not read my comment but if you want I give you my email : armony.dailly@gmail.com
    Ps: I’m sorry if my english is bad, i’m french
    Bye and I wish you the best
    A.

  61. You always write something so strong, something so similar to my feeling. I just love it. And thanks for your email reply. It mean so much for me, it made me stronger while i was reading it. Thanks. Keep loving, photographing, writing because you do these ordinary things so beautifully. 🙂

  62. My English needs some work but I’ll do my best explaining to you how I see all this. I have personally gotten so much inspiration from you, not for photography but for life. I sometimes get lost in everyday life where there are such high expectations of me and where I’m supposed to follow a certain plan. I tend to forget the real me, and for a long time I had forgotten. When I discovered your blog I remembered who I was. It was something about the way you lived and saw life. You notice things that others don’t, and I’m so glad that you write down and document it all, so the rest of us can see those things as well. Go with your gut, if it doesn’t feel right, leave it. After all, it is your life, and you are supposed to live it the way you want to. But never have i ever found such honesty in someone’s “memoirs”. And to sum it up, you being so honest about your life inspires me to be honest about mine. To others and to myself. So… Thank you 🙂

  63. In case I do not get another chance to write this:

    From the days I followed you on DeviantArt to now you have been a source of inspiration and light. When someone asks me my favorite website or blog on the net, I point them to you. TheRoadIsHome is my favorite “book” and I turn to you when I am feeling down or stuck or bored or hopeless. I think the idea of a guru is silly, but you are my exception. We are alive, yes, oh we are so alive and because of you, I think there are 20,000+ people who are alive just a little more. My heart goes out to you and your family, always. I respect your desire for more privacy, and so I will leave this with a thank you—already, you have given us everything.

    Thank you,
    Julia

  64. Oh Nirrimi! My heart stoped at the idea of not more posts from you. Your life diary is a song of life and love, and an inspiration for many souls that work every day for make a better world. Like all good things in life, there´s always a bad side, and it may be very difficult for you to continue exposing the privacy of your family. But I think you have to find the properly way to never give up showing us up the beauty and the light. You made your dreams come true, enjoy that, and live the freedom as you wish. We love your work, Nirrimi, don´t give up, but find the appropiate way for you to make this thing a pleasure. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I send you all my love from Buenos Aires, hoping that this good energy fill your heart with joy. Happy new year for you, Alba and Matt. Just keep on walking this beautiful road, you only deserve happiness!

  65. The beginning says everything that I also feel. It is un-nerving knowing that others no your story, and yet, the change that words and sharing can bring. You’ve created an amazing platform of change for others, and that gift is bigger than anyone might know and truly something that will continue to outlive you.

    I enjoyed these words. Wise woman words that speak from the gut. Now that you have harnessed the ability to bring change en-masse here, how can you bring about positive change in other places through different mediums.

    I have trust in whatever you choose to bring.

    Kailea

  66. This might be one of the most touching posts I’ve read from you in a while. I appreciate the honesty and I honour your decision to take a step back. You are a brave woman.

    Thoughts and love from Denmark,

    Carolina
    sanguine-dreams.com

  67. after i read that blog entry i thought ‘please never stop blogging’. your words are such an inspiration and your images are also filled with so much beauty. but if you’re feeling uncomfortable with sharing your deepest thoughts it’s ok to stop that. though you are an inspiration to all of us, you are only responsible for yourself and for your own life. so do what your heart tells you. you will be always the most inspiring person to me. <3
    by the way, thanks for adding my photo to the 'TCS mail'. that made my day (:

  68. Nirrimi, I can completely understand your need to step back from this space, to maybe come at it from another perspective. I love hearing about your life, and your little Alba, and wont lie, I would probably be one of those admirers who if I saw you in the street would love to say hello. But you have to old your family close, and the internet is such a big world. I do hope you will still share snippets, all your images are amazing, but your family shots are so full of love. I hope you continue to write for yourself too, you have a real gift.
    Much Love, Rhi x

  69. Nirrimi, your writing takes me to a place that I would never be able to experience on my own. You are an incredibly inspiring person and I am so grateful to have stumbled across your blog. I hope you never stop writing, even if it is for your eyes only. I do love your posts, but I would love more to know that you are happy and content with your life, even if that means less posts. Best of luck with everything coming your way in the future. You are a soul we’ve all come to love.

    x Erin

  70. Oh Nirrimi, this is your space and we shall honour that. Hoping you are feeling better after speaking your truth, i know i couldn’t cope with fame, I admire you for standing it this long. Much love to your little family and beyond. C

  71. Nirrimi, I’ve been reading your blog for years and have loved every single post you’ve written. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your beautiful self with us and hope you will continue sharing. Hope to read the rest of your book too! Much love from Canada.

  72. I admire your work since years but your family portraits are something special. They show so much love and laughter and beautiful atmosphere! Really really great!

  73. Nirrimi, I completely understand your feelings on not wanting to be so very in the public. The truth is, though, you are such an incredible writer and artist. It seems to seep through you so naturally. I hope that even if you stop posting your deepest thoughts publicly, you continue to write for yourself. To me, reading this blog post, was a gift. A magical one. Thank you. You are wonderful.

    With love,
    Alex

  74. Just WOW!! I’m baffled every time you post something new, your writing is amazing and I love your pictures.
    It’s sad to hear that you won’t be writing that often anymore, your words are always so honest and open, they’re very inspiring to me.
    xx Cheyenne

  75. Nirrimi, your blog is the most beautiful and by far my favourite one that’s out there. The honesty with which you write is truly touching, but at the same time, I couldn’t understand more that you don’t want to share your most intimate thoughts on here anymore, it must be quite scary to actually meet people like you say, who you’ve never seen before, but who know quite a lot about you. I just wanted to tell you how much I love this place and that it always inspires me a little bit when I read it 🙂 Have a wonderful day!

  76. Thank you for this. The way you explain your thoughts is a such a beautiful talent. I feel the same way a lot and thought I was so different but yet we all are human, just some tap in better to the realism of life. I started writing my own journal years ago when I first found yours. I love your life but yet have never actually know it, I could see how it could all feel so surreal. The way you appreciate life is what makes your life so much more meaningful. You keep me inspired, I really appreciate how you’ve shared your life.

  77. Nirrimi I absolutely love your words! Ever since I was younger reading your posts on bebo, you always have a tendency to help us escape to a whimsical place that seems out of this world. And I agree with what many people have posted here, you could write about anything at all and we would all still be eager to read to the very last word. Don’t give up being creative and free xx

  78. Nirrimi, I always thought you were a mysterious girl with an amazing “one in a million” life. I got really interested about the girl behind the camera -I have to say that I kinda miss your mysterious presence on the internet, I used to be like “wow, who is this girl called nirrimi i want to know more about her”- but it was amazing to get to know you better, is great to know about the person that inspired you to start in photography. But you don’t have to document your lives so intimately 🙂 you can show us more about your work as a photographer and as an artist! i would love to read about your experiences on that subject 🙂 you can share with us your writings too :3
    Much love from Mexico 🙂

  79. I love this blog Nirrimi. I read it sometimes when I’m feeling negative and I need to reset. Don’t ever stop writing, no matter what it is you write. You have a gift and a unique, positive and honest world perspective. <3

  80. i’m really sorry for your losses. i know how it feels to be uncontrollably separated from your family at the times it hurts most. be well, lovely.

  81. I’ve been following u every since I found u on myspace. You are truly an Inspiration. The way you write is so beautiful. Please never stop doing what you love to do. This blog makes me escape my life even just for 5 minutes when I read what you have to say

  82. nirrimi, i go through the same anxious thoughts as you do. thank you for reminding me i am not alone. your words have soothed me.

  83. a beautiful story. i am very grateful to have met you and your family & i hope your life continues to grow and blossom.

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