happy birthday mama

thankyou for giving me the freedom to live with my entire heart, for making me believe in true love and for single-handedly raising my brother and i. i think you are the perfect mother for me, you never clipped my wings like others would have. you followed all my pursuits with me, nothing was impossible for us.

i’m sorry things weren’t always as beautiful as they could have been. but all the ugliness helped me grow and taught me so many things i’d otherwise never learnt. i’m sorry for growing up so quickly and i’m sorry for leaving. but i know you understand better than anyone else.

sometimes when i close my eyes and think back as far as i can remember, i can remember our houseboat. feeling the sea rock us back and forth into sleep. i can remember our house in love lane, with the ever-present smell of mango, the thorns in the yard, coloured baths. i would wake up in the middle of the night so scared i would go into your room (on the way always stopping to look at the goldfish asleep in his bowl) and cuddle up to you, where everything was safe. as life went on the safe moments became fewer, but when they happened everything was right in the world.

my childhood inspires a lot of what i create now, so thankyou for being unconventional and letting me and my imagination run wild. when i have children i hope i can believe in them as much as you did in me.

i love and miss you, i will see you in december

have a lovely birthday

love, your daughter

perth

perth was warm and we spent the short time i had there sleeping in, going to the beach late at night, taking pictures and filming. it was m’s birthday and i surprised him. the trip made me realise how much i’m going to miss him over the next few months- but i think the apartness will give us time to figure out who we are. learn to rely on ourselves rather than each other. it’s been interesting being on my own after a year of living with him.  after a year of (almost) married life. we’re so young. it’s nice to feel it again. i’m emotion hungry and it’s even nice to feel lonely and scared again. all of it makes you feel alive.

in other news, i won the artist’s wanted people’s choice award! i got a text from my agent yesterday morning and literally jumped out of bed and couldn’t stop smiling all day. so thankyou all, very very very much. obviously i couldn’t have done it without the amazing amount of support i have. i will keep blogging and taking pictures and i’ll never ever stop. soon i’ll be in new york city. i’ll be having an exhibition in manhattan and i wish all of you could come (if you can, you should!).

i’ve also been filming quite a bit. followed thomas and his band around the city singing covers in strange places. lucy in the sky with diamonds on the bus, hey ya in chinatown and heaven on the escalator. it was a lot of fun.

one is going up a week here. the filming is nothing special but i think these guys are. why did i have to make such good friends when i’m leaving so soon?

it’s not so bad, i’ve learnt to not tie myself to anyone or anything. things have become simpler. i don’t spend time thinking about what i don’t have or who isn’t here, but what i do have and who is here. pide time up into moments, into little boxes of life. and only think about what is in my current box. everything else falls away and i feel connected to everything.

i have to admit i like being a gypsy. i like being asked ‘where do you live?” and answering “everywhere”. but sometimes i miss having a home.

i guess i’m finding out what i want. it’s all there and i just have to choose. i know i’m going to be happy wherever life takes me. two weeks until i leave to L.A. life is going to be crazy.

lots of love