thoughts on dreams

me letting my hair down by my lover m

i remember being a child. this long-haired, twiggy thing with delicious dreams of becoming a movie starlet or a princess. of course, you’re not entirely logical when you are that young. your head is in the clouds and the future is a million miles away. i think when the clouds begin to clear and you start to see the future there in the sky, you begin to grow up. life begins to sink in. you realise you are not beautiful or elegant enough to become a princess, and your eyes don’t sparkle enough to be a movie star. try again.

even though my clouds cleared away sooner than anyone else i knew my age, i was still breathing them. only suddenly i knew who i was, or moreso, who i wanted to be. i was fourteen and i wrote in my diary “i am nirrimi and because of that, i’m going to live. really live.” and for me that meant throwing myself headfirst into photography and life. i didn’t attend school much, i spent days planning, learning to retouch and taking pictures. my studies suffered and my passion bloomed. it was “illogical and thoughtless” but i thought, why should i listen to a miserable, high school teacher about how to live my life?

my grandparents lived by the alice river, on an enormous property with fruit trees and a treehouse by the water where you could watch cows gather at sunset. i remember sitting in the treehouse with a blank book, filling it with ideas for pictures. the passion welled up in me and i saw the world through picture-finding eyes. i miss the excitement now, which only greets me sometimes in memory. i discovered that came with my growing up, it became harder to feel.

there is resentment and jealousy from others at times, as though people think i am undeserving of the attention i’ve gotten or the talent i’ve developed. as though it is all luck and really, they deserve it much more. but i have worked and i have obsessed. i’ve left my mind inside my camera and forgotten to use my head, pushing away friends and family and being regretfully selfish. i’ve forced myself to grow up rather quickly. and now things are beginning to happen for me. things i only ever imagined. not just with photography, but also with my life and lover (but that’s a story for another day).

i’ve learnt that to make dreams come true, you have to be obsessed. truly, utterly obsessed. i think of obsession as passion squared, and if you have passion for something people will see that. if you go through an entire day without doing something towards your dream, you’re not obsessed enough to make it happen.

sure, some people get lucky, but we’re not going to wait around to see if that’s us. we need to make things happen for ourselves, because we are the only ones in control of our lives. with enough obsession and work any dream can come true for you. you will be disappointed, sleepless and somedays you will want to give up. but you will be happy, because you are living.

i can’t wait to let my children dream the way my parents let me. teach them that as long as they have the love and motivation to work towards their wildest fantasies, they will happen.

never give up on all your loves and dreams, let them out to be loud!

sleeping forest

this is a short series by my lover and i, taken in a woods with a red-headed nymph.

the afternoon started out sunshine and bright (with rabbits darting about among the roots of the trees) and later turned into heavy hail. we shot through it, with ice bouncing off our backs and cameras, stinging our bodies. then we went home and fell asleep. nice feelings of warmth after the cold of the frozen rain.

it’s curious how good it feels when you take risks and live. shoot through the cold wet and count the hail by the red marks on your back. you need to break the pattern to feel truly alive. yell in the street or go somewhere very unfamiliar. hug a stranger. be spontaneous. this is your only life, don’t waste your youth or your days.

two dollar film

 

some of the very few film pictures i’ve ever taken.

townsville and my cousin in a tent on our veranda.

taken with an old disposable camera from a second-hand

store and cheap, expired film. i miss home.