above was taken the night we watched stars from matt’s fathers backyard. it was the beginning of us. and even though i was staring up at the neverending universe, i still felt like we were the biggest things in the whole world.
soon i’ll blog about the first times i ran away to here.
the last few days have been big, fat nothing days. thanks a large part to me being sick, but also because matt is out of town and i’ve come to rely on him a lot to function.
yeah, i’ve read enough ‘how to be happy’/’how to have a perfect life’ self help books (is that weird?) to know you should never be dependant on anyone or anything else for your happiness, only yourself. everything else can be fickle and yadda yah. but it’s easier said than done. especially because we’re not exactly the stereotypical teenage boyfriend and girlfriend.
i don’t want to be cheesy and cliche and say we’re ‘one’ but in a weird but completely natural way we kind of are. i always say: it’s us against the world. like we are in our own little bubble. we’re always safe and happy when we are together. sometimes it’s a bad thing, the contentness leaves us little interest in doing much else. we’ll work as much as we have to to pay for rent and food but what else do we need if we’ve got each other? it’s almost like it dulls all other aspects of life. it’s like heroin, or something. sorry if i make you gag.
as much as i hate letting my passion suffer, i know it’s not for nothing and i know when i get it back it will come flooding (kind of like that incredible hailstorm/flood we had the other day that we had to swim home from grocery shopping in). i’m thinking new york will be my breath of fresh air and i am so excitement my butterflies have butterflies. matt is saving to come with me in november and i can imagine it will have the same effect on him. watch out new york!
not sure if you noticed but i took a few days hiatus from this blog, i’ve been stressing a little about what to post about. i keep thinking, people are following your blog because of your work, don’t update until you have more pictures. but i kind of want to update about me. and since this is my blog i decided i should post about whatever the hell i want to, so expect some rather off topic posts from me.
i have to get some beauty z’s because my lover is home tomorrow and i’m going to clean the apartment and cook! how housewife. and unyoung. oh well, maybe my blog name is misleading…
so i guess that’s all i wanted to say, here’s a picture of my shoulder.
(just thought it’d be funny to end the blog saying that. really though, it’s a picture matt took, early us. it was the time when we were homeless here in melbourne, and were sleeping on a different stranger’s floor/couch every few nights. very interesting time for us. might blog about it one day.)
i remember being a child. this long-haired, twiggy thing with delicious dreams of becoming a movie starlet or a princess. of course, you’re not entirely logical when you are that young. your head is in the clouds and the future is a million miles away. i think when the clouds begin to clear and you start to see the future there in the sky, you begin to grow up. life begins to sink in. you realise you are not beautiful or elegant enough to become a princess, and your eyes don’t sparkle enough to be a movie star. try again.
even though my clouds cleared away sooner than anyone else i knew my age, i was still breathing them. only suddenly i knew who i was, or moreso, who i wanted to be. i was fourteen and i wrote in my diary “i am nirrimi and because of that, i’m going to live. really live.” and for me that meant throwing myself headfirst into photography and life. i didn’t attend school much, i spent days planning, learning to retouch and taking pictures. my studies suffered and my passion bloomed. it was “illogical and thoughtless” but i thought, why should i listen to a miserable, high school teacher about how to live my life?
my grandparents lived by the alice river, on an enormous property with fruit trees and a treehouse by the water where you could watch cows gather at sunset. i remember sitting in the treehouse with a blank book, filling it with ideas for pictures. the passion welled up in me and i saw the world through picture-finding eyes. i miss the excitement now, which only greets me sometimes in memory. i discovered that came with my growing up, it became harder to feel.
there is resentment and jealousy from others at times, as though people think i am undeserving of the attention i’ve gotten or the talent i’ve developed. as though it is all luck and really, they deserve it much more. but i have worked and i have obsessed. i’ve left my mind inside my camera and forgotten to use my head, pushing away friends and family and being regretfully selfish. i’ve forced myself to grow up rather quickly. and now things are beginning to happen for me. things i only ever imagined. not just with photography, but also with my life and lover (but that’s a story for another day).
i’ve learnt that to make dreams come true, you have to be obsessed. truly, utterly obsessed. i think of obsession as passion squared, and if you have passion for something people will see that. if you go through an entire day without doing something towards your dream, you’re not obsessed enough to make it happen.
sure, some people get lucky, but we’re not going to wait around to see if that’s us. we need to make things happen for ourselves, because we are the only ones in control of our lives. with enough obsession and work any dream can come true for you. you will be disappointed, sleepless and somedays you will want to give up. but you will be happy, because you are living.
i can’t wait to let my children dream the way my parents let me. teach them that as long as they have the love and motivation to work towards their wildest fantasies, they will happen.
never give up on all your loves and dreams, let them out to be loud!